Why Team India looks like Running-Out-Of-Steam India

Yes, of course, we’re missing God (aka Sachin) and assorted acolytes who graced the field the last time around. But is that all? Methinks not. Here are the real reasons we’re likely to cover ourselves with glory by losing to the UAE.

It’s that new team shirt, I tell you, that zippy little Nike thingy. All wrong. Too shiny, too busy, too tight. When our bowlers start focusing on how their abs will ripple across the big screen in that skinny fit instead of – let’s keep it basic here – how to aim at the middle stump, it’s time to put up the white flag.

And those obscene state-of-the-art giant screens aren’t helping the cause either. Everybody’s preening after every ball, every halfway decent sprint to the boundary, every missed shy at the stumps that gets replayed seven times on the free Umpiring-For-Dummies-In-Real Time sessions. Guys, get a grip.

Folks are psyched by having to face yet another strapping lad of desi origin. It wasn’t bad enough that they had to deal with Ravi Bopping Para, now there’s this Gurinder Sandhu that nobody knows what to make of. Half the team’s wondering how to face his deliveries, and the other half wishes their parents too had immigrated to Australia back in the day, so they could say ‘mite’ instead of ‘mate’, and belong on the team that looks likeliest to lift the Cup.

Fours years of resting on withering laurels: not a good formula for success, I’d say. Too much T20 – which is why innings are folding up halfway through -, too many allegations bandied about, too many endorsements for Mahi Bhai, and heaven knows which other Mumbai and Dubai Bhais placing bets at random. Apart from the fact, of course, that save the odd flash of stumping brilliance, even Mahi Bhai, the one-time fulcrum, seems to be a spent force.

And finally, cherchez la femme? If you thought the big feud was the one between our cool captain and our hot vice-captain, think again. The real battle for face time’s being slogged out between the First Lady of Indian Cricket and her rather smashing-looking Successor. And with Anuskha spending Christmas and New Year Down Under, there’s been no holds barred!